I Didn't Kick and Scream
Updated: Jan 3, 2020
By Kristyn Kunik
**Note: Content on this blog may cause significant distress to readers (commonly known as“activating” or “triggering”). Please use your own discretion when reading. If you are in distress, please call or text the following support services:
- 24-hour Central Alberta Sexual Assault Support Centre at 1-866-956-1099
- Adult Mental Health Crisis Services at 780-342-7777
- Edmonton Distress Line, 24/7 at 1-800-232-7288
- One line Sexual Assault Services, text or chat 1-866-403-8000
“Well, why didn’t you fight him off?”
I froze and closed my eyes.
“You mean you didn’t say no?”
I’m sure I said it a thousand times. He kept pushing my boundaries and pushing my boundaries. He chose not to listen.
“Well why were you there in the first place?”
I needed a place to stay. I was drunk and I didn’t want my parents to find out.
“Oh… you were drunk. Well are you sure you are remembering it right?”
Some of it is a bit blurry, but I’ll never forget the fear.
“What were you wearing? Were you being a tease?”
I was dressed nicely. I guess I was flirty.
“Did you kiss him first?”
“Did you take your own clothes off?”
Yes, I did.
“And you wonder why he wanted to have sex with you?”
Well, I liked him and I wanted him to like me.
“Don’t you have any self-respect?”
I do, but... everyone else does it. I figured it’s what I was supposed to do.
“Why would you put yourself in that position?”
I was sure he was a decent guy. He was nice. He gave me a ride.
“So you were wasted and you just got into his car?”
I think so.
“What do you mean you think so?”
I don’t really remember the ride home.
“Then how do you know you are remembering everything else right?”
Well, I didn’t imagine it. I’m sure it really happened.
“And you are sure you said “no”?”
Well, I definitely didn’t say yes.
“Did you push him off?”
Like I said, I didn’t kick and scream.
“Why are you saying he forced you then?”
Because, I didn’t want to do it. I’d never done it before. It’s not how I thought my first time would be.
“Are you sure you aren’t just regretting it?”
“What happened when you were done?”
He drove me home.
“Did you tell him you were mad?”
No. I told him it was okay.
I wanted him to like me still. I didn’t want to make him upset.
“What happened the next few days?”
At first he wouldn’t text me back. Then he told me he didn’t like how I acted when I was drunk, that I was too immature for him.
“So he’s over you and now you are bitter?”
No. Well.. I don’t think so.
“Then why would you tell him it was okay?”
Because for a moment, I thought it was.
“So you liked it?”
No, you aren’t understanding what I’m saying.
“Do YOU even know what you are saying?”
And then I screamed, “I WAS RAPED!”
“Don’t you think that word is a bit harsh?”
I think that’s what happened.
“But you didn’t kick and scream?”
No. I didn’t kick and scream.
A conversation of this nature is common for a survivor to have. They may have it with a friend, a sibling, a parent, and more ordinarily, with themselves.
Sometimes you are only asked questions when all you need is to hear someone say, “I believe you.”
Whether it’s minutes after or years later, one of the scariest parts of being abused is when you decide to let others hear your cry for help. Skepticism and a slew of nosy question can often follow this courageous divulgence of information, which may lead a person to feel vulnerable and unheard.
When we hear the word ‘rape’, images of violence and sounds of screaming often come to mind. This is certainly not always the case. Any type of sexual assault can be met with loud noises, stern words, quiet whispers, or absolute silence. An ‘emergency’ occurs when there is no control over what is taking place. We can’t plan for what our bodies or our minds will do when they are forced into survival mode. How one may have reacted does not always equate to the extremity of the truth.
Never let someone invalidate your feelings. They are real.
Right now, as this is being read, you may not be healed – but for this moment, you are a little bit better.